Bongo Bear's Alternative Fan Fiction Cliche List


Date: Mon, 08 Sep 1997 13:20:01 -0400




by Bongo Bear, with special contributions from Lara (Lael*), Snoop, and Joe

Murphy noted in ( ).

This list © 1997 by Bongo Bear


(Used with permission. Bold emphasis added)



In case you're wondering why is this being posted permanently for your

pleasure, it's a challenge to alt fic bards, including myself, to write

alternative fiction that avoids some of these cliches (I'm not giving up

toys <BEG>) and creates new ways of erotically expressing how X & G feel for

each other.




Have you ever noticed all of the common elements in the Alternative Fan

Fiction genre? Here's a list of some observations.


1) X & G take lots of baths.


They must be the cleanest women in all of ancient Greece. How do they

keep their delicate skins from wrinkling and drying out like prunes?

For a change, how about a shower scene? Will someone please write a

shower scene. Doesn't have to be a real shower. A waterfall, a heavy

rain storm, anything that involves standing under falling water would

do. Of course, waterfalls & rain are all cold ....hmmm, a technical

issue that requires some more thought....


2) G sleeps after sex.


Well, most people do. But G seems to get/need more rest than X.


3) G wakes up with the munchies.


4) X has more stamina. See #2.


5) X is more experienced.


6) X is more kinky and knows which end of the toys to use.


7) They almost always have good sex. Lara said change "good" to "incredible,

spectacular, and earth shattering". Whatever you say, dear.


8) All "first time" alt. fic has X asking G "Are you sure?" (lara)


9) X almost always has been interested in G in "that way" for a long time,

but G has usually just figured out her own feelings. (I guess that goes

along with #5). (lara)


10) As soon as the first confession of love is made (verbal or otherwise),

they waste *no* time before "hitting the bedrolls." (lara)


11) G gets to take off X's armor piece by piece. In detail. (lara)


12) X gets to take off G's BGSB. In detail. (lara)


13) G is a *very* quick study. (lara)


14) Gabrielle loses her virginity, again!


Most of us get only one crack at this. G is forever virginal,

spiritually if not physically.


15) While G almost always makes the first "move," X quickly becomes the

-ahem- agressor. (lara)


16) X delivers, all the time, every time. G is a very satisfied, happy



I'm starting to appreciate why Alt. Fiction is so appealing. Xena is

protrayed as the perfect lover. Gabrielle never goes wanting because

Xena's always giving and rarely demands. She's always available. She

never has a headache and never complains about not being in the mood.

I've read stories where Xena has broken bones and can still perform

better than most healthy lovers! Reality has nothing on people's



17) X & G's "first time" is usually after some trauma. (snoop)


18) X & G always boink if they're in a cave. (snoop)


Snoop, you have such a way with words, "boink"? ;-)


It must be the thick cave walls. They have some privacy because

passersby can't hear the moaning and groaning going on in there.


19) First Time stories usually happen at: (Joe Murphy)


A. A festival

B. The Amazon Nation

C. A festival at the Amazon Nation


20) Everybody around the two know that they are in love, except them. (Joe



21) Xena is always afraid her past will somehow come back to hurt Gabby, as

if it hasn't already. (Joe Murphy)


22) X & G always declare their love for each other prior to the act.



This list © 1997 by Bongo Bear




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